I don't understand it. Out of nowhere they can just bust out crying when the slightest comment is made, or they can switch from being content to amused to straight pissed then to upset and crying in three seconds flat. I mean damn- I sound like a guy talking about cars. "Dude, she can go from 0 to 60 in three second!!" What brought this random post up, you ask? I was curling my hair with a small curling iron so it would make lots of small pretty ringlets =]. I had been doing this for the past thirty minutes- give or take a few, when I found that it was easier to take small pieces of hair (like when braiding), twist they hair for it to all stay together (my hair is very soft and very fine), then wrap it around the curler and curl. After doing this to 90% of my hair, with the exception of the hair that I had already done before my little technique, my father walks to my bathroom- right outside of my bedroom- knocks on the door and says, "What are you doing?" For some unknown reason, I thought that he might possibly be talking to me, maybe thinking that I was in the bathroom. He walked off, but still heard me say, "Are you talking to me?" So he came back and says, "No, I was talking to Mama." When he saw me, he just stopped and got this awful expression on his face and said, "Surely you're not trying to cornrow your hair, are you ?!" With my face deceiving me and showing every emotion I felt, I went from confused- with my eyebrows pushed together in concentration (trying very hard to possibly understand what he meant), to amused- with a crooked smile, then to pissed- with my smart ass attitude replying, "Are you kidding me?" He then went on to saying, "No... What are you doing?!"

Me: ...

Daddy: Hello?! What are you doing?!

Me: ... (A little shocked, and even more pissed - yet not sure why.)

Daddy: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Me: Do you even know what cornrows are?!?!

Daddy: Well you have your hair twisted and it's curly!

Me: ... (Noticeably pissed at this point, not to mention looking at him like he's stupid.)

And then he walks off, leaving me looking at the mirror, tearing up - but still highly pissed. I threw the curling iron on the table, jumped up and slammed my bedroom door behind him, sit back down and started crying. I unplugged the curling iron and threw it on the floor, my twisty curls bouncing and bobbing with every move I made. I brushed my hair, destroying the curls, and threw my hair in a ponytail- then retreated to my bed to sulk and cry. I lay for all of five minutes- maybe less- still crying and sulking, before returning back to the pissed-off state, formally mentioned, leading to where I am now, relieving my pissed-offness.

Fuck.

I think i have a new problem. When you aren't around, I miss you so much it hurts. All i think about is you. I wonder what you're doing, who you're with and if you miss me as much as i miss you...or if you even care about me as much as you say you do. Boy- i fell too damn fast for you. You drive me crazy, and i love it. You have no fucking idea what you do to much. I think i love you too damn much.

- Samantha

Something i wrote in my 'diary' when we first started dating.. December 2007.

You talk about having names on your neck, your arms and your chest- written in ink; but i got your name written on my leg in blood. It's gonna become a scar and never go away. They say tatoos are forever- but scars are longer than that. You talk about having the people you love written on you, to keep them close- Baby, i got you closer than you think. I got you written all over my heart and soul wishing I could keep you forever and ever ever. You were my first, my one and only, my true "to-be". Now you're gone, i'm trying to get along, but it's hard as hell knowing i can't have you anymore. I don't want to bring you down; i want you to be happy. I want you to have what you couldn't have with me- I want you to be with someone that you can actually be with. I want to be your best friend that you can tell anything to, no matter if it kills me to hear you say how much you love HER and not me. I know you'll fall in love again, but there's a piece of me hoping you'll stay as crazy about me as I am about you. I hope after i move out, we can pick up where we left off in our relationship. You mean more to me than you could ever understand. But i'm not gonna ask you to put your life on hold for me... if you find somone else  before i have the chance to prove to you that you're everthing to me- them i'm telling you now, i'm happy for you. I love you more than i could ever explain. You make me feel amazing. When i'm not with you, i feel like im dieing. When i'm around you but i cant talk to you, i just want to touch you, to kiss you. I want to know that you'll always be there...and be mine. I love you so damn much- that's the hard part about all of this. I have to let you go..and i don't want to. But i'd rather have you as a friend, than nothing at all.

-Samantha

This was a letter that i had written to Dj...probably around October 2008.

I guess i should finish the to be continued now...

Dj was something else.. He was what I call a 'player', He had a child. And his childs 'baby mama' was always fucking with me. And apparently fucking Dj. I'm not in the mood with having an extremely long post today.. so long story short, he fucked me over. He played me, he played Yalonda, and played I dont even know how many other girls.

I told Dj that i hated him, I hoped he died and he went to hell. I told him i never want anything else to do with him and for him to just leave me alone. I told him that i regretted everything i EVER did with him. Including giving him my virginity.

I didnt mean any of it. I'm still totally in love with him..

I hate this.